I just feel like that there is no one I can talk to about anything anymore. Work has officially consumed my life to where I feel like people have almost forgot about me. My family problems are ruining my life but how can I say that to the woman who birthed me? Who provided for me as I was growing up and forgave me for my biggest mistakes. I did talk to my older sister recently about how overwhelmed I feel about this whole situation and she said that I have helped enough but I can’t let my mom keep holding me back. But if I finally just stop helping her so much, I just have to watch her run herself into the ground? It’s not fair cause I feel like I can never win. If I stay, I feel like her and I’s relationship will go from closeness to abuse and I’ll gradually grow to despise her. I feel like my relationship with the one man who has truly constantly shown he cares about me is in jeopardy. I feel like because I put family first all the time that he continues to push away because he feels as if he will never be a first in my life. Which is not true, but how can I prove that when I keep doing what I do for my family. I want my boyfriend to become my future family. I’m 21 years old and I have to plan ahead to get drunk or socialize with friends, but I feel like I am a woman of 40 years old who gets to tired to even do those things.
I feel like I have reached the crossroads in my life where it’s rare for people to reach. Where you have to start acting selfish for yourself and it’s completely out of character for me. I don’t know how to act selfish when it comes to my family. And no, I’m not trying to make myself feel like the holiest of holy because I am not, but when it comes to my family I always do whatever I can for them. I think I have stuck to my morals when it comes to that. But when is enough become enough? When do you ever know it’s time to reject your family? I think I am having the hardest time because I don’t wish to hurt anybody’s feelings but if I continue on this way, they won’t have a daughter to depend on anymore because they will have pushed me away so far to the point that I won’t even want contact from now on. I don’t want it to reach that point, but I know it could happen and I think that is what scares me.
I’m just emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I can’t keep doing this anymore. I think I have finally reached my wit’s end and I’m SO TIRED of feeling like everyone’s doormat. I have been treated like that from past relationships to know I deserve better. So why should family be any different? It shouldn’t.
It’s not just family that has been upsetting me lately, it’s also friendships. I don’t understand how you can just use me at your expense. You talk to me only when you are going through hard times but when things are going fine, it’s like you forget about me. I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE FOR YOU FOR EVERYTHING, yet you treat me like I am only an acquaintance whenever you get your life situated to wherever you move next. I feel unappreciated. I message you, and message you, and message you and you only write back when it’s convenient for you. Even in my messages I am pouring my heart out saying I am worried about you and you can’t even have the decency to let me know what is going on. WHEN YOU WOULD CALL ME EVERYDAY WHEN IT WAS HARD FOR YOU, so once it gets easy you don’t need me anymore. It’s not fair for you to treat me like that. It really isn’t. And I think it’s about time that you get the reality check that no one will be there for you if you don’t try as hard to be their friend as they have been constantly doing for you. Enjoy your high life dude, seriously. There is no reason for me to keep trying because I think I have tried for long enough to make this work. It’s up to you to see how important your “friendships” are to you, because I promise you that no one would have been more true of a friend and more by your side than I was for you through the years we have known each other and even when I stuck by you through all the shit you put me through and even breaking my heart I stuck by you. So honestly, good luck finding someone who knew you as well as I did and who sticks by you through all the things that I stuck by you from.
Well that’s my vent for the day, I do feel better.
I’m living with the insecurities that I will not be able to go anywhere in life. Destined to work in a convenient store part-time, never going to be able to do well in school, my relationship reaching a plateau…I don’t know where to go from here. I’m at a stand-still in my life that I can’t get out of a freeze frame. I’m stuck, I need a window of opportunity, and I need to get out of this town.
So this whole weekend was full of suprises…
I needed to find a blog type of place so I could vent out all of my feelings and experiences too. My best friend suprised me by visiting from California after not seeing him for almost 2 years. It was really great to see him, almost surreal because I was getting to the point where we would talk on the phone….but I didn’t know him anymore. This was also the first time he was going to see me with my boyfriend…and because he was my last real relationship, not gonna lie…pretty awkward at times.
There are times when I wonder if he never left, would things really be that different? We have came to the crossroads in our friendship/relationship where I just had to tell him it was one or the other, but…then I needed to choose that for myself. Which would benefit me more: a friendship from thousands miles away from each other, or a relationship from thousands miles away from each other? So, I encouraged him to leave and take the opportunity he had to get free schooling and have a great life in California, knowing that my life might just fall apart when he’s gone. It was a risk I was willing to take, cause I’m Sam…I worry about others lives more than my own.
When he came back, we had a great time I’d have to say. :) Like time never left, it never felt SOO good. There are times where I wish we could just have for ourselves and just play tetris on ds or just chill and watch an international movie…because then that would feel like the old times. We spend the first two day living it up, and he is now leaving today…I hope he comes back, cause I’ve missed my best friend for a long time…I don’t know if I could go through another goodbye..it would break my heart too much.
I wish you luck on your journey. This new chapter of your life to keep moving on, I mean…you’re not getting any younger. You know that I have loved you for a long time and I always will love you whether or not it is the same kind of love anymore. But I know you were destined to be great and you deserve all the opportunities this life has to offer us. Don’t ever get too ahead of yourself or forget who you really are, because there are 2 people back in washington that I know who can slap you back into reality.
yeah…just needed a photo